You colour my life.

Tuesday, 16 January 2007

a rough day

yesterday was a really horrible day.

i kinda should have expected something bad to happen already, but i didn't noe it was gonna be that bad.

i realise im not really the type who vents out all their frustration on their blog but there are just certain issues and feelings that i do need to voice out.

im not really someone who's into conflict?or maybe i am?just not between friends..haha..i guess its because for all these years, my friends have been the same friends i've known since i was in primary school and i noe that whatever problems we have, it will be okie in the end because we noe each other so well already and love each other from the depths of our hearts.

but seeing how everything was today, i realised how friendship was so fragile and for once in a long time i recalled how difficult it is to maintain a friendship. friendships take a lot of work and it is so so important to give and take.

i really really really hate offending people,and i have to admit that i'm so scared of people being angry with me.

maybe i'm just an insecure person..

i know for the past couple of months, i've been put in the middle. i dun think i can truly explain how horrible it feels to be there. the thing is, i could very very easily just stop all this trouble and how sad i'm feeling by just not bothering about the situation. but the truth is, in this short time that i've gotten to noe these people, i noe that all of them are really really great and very nice and all of them really care about me. and not caring about the situation would almost be inhuman when they make up such a big part of my life.

when janet told me in the lecture theatre that when she was talking about people being dumb in the canteen, and she was referring to me,it really made me feel very very sad.not because she did anything wrong by saying that,but it made me feel sad because i didn't want people thinking i was dumb because i was following my gut feelings. the thing is, i always follow my heart instead of my head. and it could really hurt me in the end.

the thing is, i've realised that i shouldn't need to be explaining for anyone anything or helping people solve problems which aren't even mine. but at the end of the day, a friend is a friend. and when i see a friend being hurt,i hurt too.and it just makes me feel useless if i dont say a thing.

janet.eliza.brian.vivien.weyying.jennifer.dallas.

whatever happens in the end, every single one of them mean a lot to me. and i will not regret knowing them. even if it means that we no longer have a friendship between us, i will be proud to have known them and glad to have them be part of my life.

janet. you always like to say that you're the girl that no one remembered on the first day of school. but even if that were true.i will never forget you. you are a wonderful person and someone who is truly a very giving person. i am thankful that you have been here for me and for caring about me enough to even worry about me.

eliza. i remember u from the first day of school cos you were sitting near the beginning of the circle..right?haha. you are such a guillable person. but don't ever change. because that is what makes you special. you have a wonderful personality and you always make me smile or laugh.

weyying. i guess sometimes i feel that maybe if we got closer, i would get to know you more? i cannot believe that all this time, i didn't even know you were a malaysian citizen! you are always so nice and anybody who knows you should feel very blessed to have someone like you in their lives.

vivien. i'm sorry for a lot of things. i'm sorry to make you feel worried for me. i noe there are things that i feel i need to talk to you about. not really personal issues. but just that i realised that its been a while since i've talked to you properly. you are an amazing person and someone who is smart and so funny at the same time.

Brian. You know brian, i've always felt you're really a super super nice person. and the truth is, you are a nice person. i have to admit, i was really shocked when you shouted because i didn't noe that you were going to do that.i respect you for who you are and the choices that you've made. I know these few days i havent really been able to talk to you like before and maybe things are uncomfortable now. but to me you're still one of the nicest guys around and someone who can really make me laugh.thank you for everything.

jennifer. i am sorry if i hurt you and i made you feel like i was not on your side. because truthfully, i did not want to take anybody's side at all. i am so so so thankful to have met you. and you've been the closest girlie that i've had in the class. we share the same taste in shoes!:) in the beginning, i thought you were a really simple person who just spoke her mind but now i realise so much more and i really value the friendship that i have with you.

Dallas. its weird how things have changed so much in just one year of being in the same class with one another. i will always remember you on the first day of school with your diary. and i remember finding you very funny. i know you've been through a lot recently and everything i write to you here, may be judged in a certain way but i still have to say it. as much as everybody is worried about you hurting me, i am also worried about you hurting me. i dunno if you realise, but i really treasure our friendship a lot. im scared that what everbody says is true, that you don't really consider me your friend and that you are just making use of me. that is what my head says. but my heart tells me that, nobody really understands how i truly feel and the only person that i can really open up to in school is you. but if you ever hurt me, then it will be my fault for not listening to the rest of my friends. and just like janet says, i will be running straight into the wall..and probably i'll get a HUGELY disfigured face for the rest of my life. HAH.

i truly value everybody's opinions and this post was never meant to hurt anybody at all.if i've hurt you in any way, i truly am sorry. but everything i've said here has been from my heart.

i love u all.

You coloured my life @
18:59
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